The book in question is "The Uses of Literacy" by Richard Hoggart, recommended to me by our manager at work (who, when I asked him if he put an angel or a star on top of his Christmas tree, said he always used to put a red flag on top, until they had children and then it seemed less appropriate.) This is the second time he mentioned I should read it, the first time the title slipped out my mind but this time I got him to write it down. We were talking about the expression "there's no love lost" and how it didn't make sense to me. I was saying I had just had to learn that
"There is no love lost between Johnny and Mary" = "Johnny and Mary do not get on"
even though this is totally counter-intuitive, because if the love has not been lost then surely it is still there, unless it was never there in the first place, in which case its a pretty convoluted way of expressing that sentiment.
I remember when I moved to college for 6th form and made a new set of friends, who used to use the construct "do I ever!" to mean an enthusiastic yes. I just could not understand how "do I ever" equalled "yes", so in the end I just had to learn it by heart, so that when I asked a question and it was given as an answer, I didn't have to interrupt the flow to clarify what they meant.
I understand artistic devices like metaphor and simile and allusion and A Level English Language & Literature was a breeze (apart from the Chauncer module that I failed and then had to retake but that was due to not studying the text enough the first time round) but I seem to use language so much more literally than other people that sometimes I feel like I (literally, ha) cannot communicate.
To me, words like never or always only ever mean one thing. When I was once in a relationship with someone who said, in a moment of anger and upset, that we would "never be able to live together, then" (in response to my basic housekeeping standards, I think). I then took that statement as one of the constants on which to build the future of the relationship on. She had used the word 'never' so to me that was a clear parameter in place, a sanction that had been imposed on the relationship that could not be lifted. She hadn't said "we would really struggle to live together" or "the way things are at the moment, we couldn't live together", she had used one of the magical words (always/never) that ensures that whatever other circumstances may change, including the feelings of both people involved, the statement remains true (for better or worse.)
Another feature of that relationship was the way we often ended up arguing about the fact that I drank more coffee than tea, with her throwing accusations such as "you probably don't even like tea, do you!" at me (to my confusion, because I like tea very much). She bought me a tisaniere one Christmas to match the one she had, and suggested I should keep it at her house, only I never seemed to fancy loose-leaf tea when I was round there, I always preferred coffee. It got to the point that one time seemingly out of nowhere, when she had asked what hot drink I would like and I replied that I would like a coffee, she got upset and asked if she should just give the tisaniere to someone else. No, of course not. Should I have a loose-leaf tea now to prove it? She replies only if I want to, or something...
It took me many months to realise that wasn't what we were really arguing about. I was the coffee and she was the tea and I was choosing coffee over tea time and time again.
Why not just say what you mean, especially in matters of the heart? No that's not quite right. I understand why sometimes people don't say what they mean. They may be angry, or upset, and say something that isn't quite true. Or it may seem true at the time, but then change (a "we could never live together" shifting into a "we could possibly live together if X changed") but whilst I understand this on a cerebral level, how the hell am I supposed to put it into practice? If I get angry and say I never want to see you again, that's that. But if you get angry and tell me the same, it could mean anything. How am I supposed to understand anything anyone says?!
I sometimes get really down about how flawed language is, and how if it really is the main tool we have to communicate with each other than I am done for. My inability to not take things at face value, to work on the assumption that people may not mean what they say, has backed me into more linguistic corners than I care to think about, and my inability to accept that people may not mean what they are saying is heightened when I myself am upset or stressed or tired, leading into somewhat of a negative feedback loop.
I worked as a trainee handyperson for 6months a little while back, and one day arrived at work feeling pretty tired and down. One of the handymen asked me how I was, but instead of taking it simply as a phatic utterance and replying as social conventions (and indeed he) expected me to, I unthinkingly took it literally and asked "do you mean emotionally or physically" so that I had enough information to answer the question correctly. He was completely thrown, and I went from feeling tired and down, to tired, down and awkward.
* * * * *
The sun is rising. I am going to go and get my bike back.
